The crazy part of all this is... OK well I can't diagnose things, but... Where I, the subordinate give the words, thoughts, ideas etc... and those greater than I repeat, carry out, etc... the word feels odd, and disturbing in this but 'obey.' Obey me?! well that's part of the out working, and I am floored, and more than a little uncomfortable. Even [some of] the mocking is less of an upset than some of the 'obedience.' Sigh, I trust God... "I'm pulling for ya, we're all in this together."

'the signs are everywhere'
and therefor what?
my life makes sense?
I have prophetic gifts?
the people who won't return my calls are undamage-ing to my morale?
I love uncertainty and thrive on fear?
My Bible reading is going right?
no.

The "signs are everywhere." Well that is out here there are signs that a certain woman is willing to forgive and be friends. But where? or 'no?' I'll not stand about and be exasperated... God saw all of it, there will be no denying before the only judge who really matters. Its not I who will try to deny, ignore, and cover up the last 10+ years. Somebody else can claim all 'this stuff never happened' and doesn't matter. I can loose and fail anywhere, in this arrangement its more likely that what I've done will get covered up and denied. But never the less, in light of the signs, we get Genesis with chapter 22:1-19 its there because it must be. I'm not Abraham but God's still the better reward if I (or anybody) has to make a choice.

Imagine if you will... that old news is in fact old.

At least in mine sweeper, on my computer when you click on a mine the bomb explodes... in my life in Sunny So cal when you hit a bomb you get a recorded announcement."we are sorry this mine is busy right now. If you think it should have exploded carry on jumping up and down on the thing, so that we can get some really degrading evidence of your behavior for posterity, and make you feel nice and trashy later on, if in fact you live through the coming explosion or we decide to let you live. But were not playing god, you under stand, just playing favorites."

To Do List

read the Bible daily
live a rounded (well rounded) life to the glory of God.
File Federal Taxes
Compile / update grocery list - the buy groceries
Wash clothes, hang out, wait - take down, (and the hard part) put away clean clothes
Submit and pay car registration
report missing documents to 3x agencies
reconcile 4x checking statements
meet with _ _ regarding ___
meet with _ _ regarding ___ ___ ___
visit with _ _
Format new hard disk for computer, install MULTIPLE related programs
blog 5 or 10x articles
J-- ------ - Classified
a @ S, b, additional objectives - classified
used r creator software - produce x page doc
plan for service or repair of car - determine most important problems to address, others I can deal with myself...
empty --- ---
Complete weekly home work for FOF class
Prepare (training) for volunteer time at SC
sign up (pay for) for College fitness center
plan to replace / backup bicycle - improve commute time savings
investigate replacement ear protection
investigate new glasses, and orthodontics
investigate visiting with family - here or there
plan trips (to retrieve trucking gear in TN, other duties in CO)

more remarks would go here, but I go here... go to bed that is...

I can't presently use mass transit to come and go from work (because I to do mass transit, and so some of my shifts start before there are inexpensive alternative rides available) so getting miles off my car and improving my time management starts to look difficult. The right kind of transit would allow me to spend more time reading.

These applications I've got right now all want a week type "availability" schedule... how can I fill that out!?! what a bind. guaranteed delays, headaches, etc...
It seems that somebody (possibly a certain "country girl" or her constituents) is worried that I'm going to be cross and 'force one to beg' or worse drop an atom bomb... well no that's not all that likely, but the kinds of things certain company I keep (for long hours of the week) is/are directly causal to my ominous countenance. Simply resort to more ordinary humane/human interaction instead of the extreme freeze thaw and isolation-abuse methods, things would likely go a lot better. For sure I'd count one as a (better) friend.

Just now, thinking about my heart, if I HAD to go back to school (ahem, who said I don't?; that now is the time) and if I wasn't to go on in Biblical studies, I'd want to study engineering. Software (and related fields) are a possibility, but it just doesn't have my respect to the same extent as engineering.

Continuing...
See? there's just no comparison. God pays in advance. AND HE doesn't cause me needless pain and all this unnecessary trouble. [seems like the disruptions serve to worship somebodies idol] The trouble only clarifies to me who REALLY LOVES me. I'm not say'n I don't have idols of my own, but bRoThEr why do I constantly feel I must 'set the record straight"...

it seems somebody keeps on forgetting. I'm not the one in the wrong here. Its not incumbent on me to run around conforming to somebodies every little wish/hope/desire. [I'm being steadily persistently wronged.] So if FCC or the [any employer] really want my *company, they can buy it CASH IN ADVANCE. See that's how Jesus has me. He ALREADY PAID for me... so I don't have to wonder if its a good idea to trust Him...
(He paid for everyone for that matter) so we are his weather we submit to it or not.
*[it'd have to be for sale] NEVER MIND I'm poor it is for sale. again P.I.A.

Again its not incumbent on me to be an educator, or a driver, or a scientist... my job is to READ THE BIBLE

and while I'm talking lets get one other thing straight. Family is a thing in a context. Out side of the family context a career is meaningless. Out side of family learning (more specifically education) is nearly impossible. That's the definition I wrote, I'm not bound or obligated to let somebody change it for me. My life remains difficult (by invasion) and the definitions remain fixed.

So I'm talking with a friend the other day... the word this person used with respect to my life and circumstances was "quagmire..." his/her compassion was evident when this was spoken... on the other hand NOBODY seems to indicate that the quagmire needs to end, or that they are on my side to bring it to an end. It would be a pity if God wanted the quagmire problem solved and I was the only one willing to be obedient to Him.